So this is Christmas
And what have you done?
Another year over
And a new one just begun.
I had the radio on the other day, it was just there, some noise to make me feel less lonely. My brain tuned in to this lyric from Happy Christmas (War Is Over). I sat there and thought….”what have I done?”
I’ve spoken before about how hard I find annual events – another slap in the face that reminds that yes I am still ill. So when I heard these lyrics my first thought was to feel all mopey and sorry for myself.
Amazingly I managed to catch myself before I descended down the helter skelter of self pity and I realised I should be reflecting on what I HAVE done. I should be thinking about the positive things I have achieved this year.
The first thing that stands out is that I am so much more independent than I was this time last year. My stairlift, the shower, my wheelchair, have all helped me to regain some level of independence. The stairlift has actually changed my life and given me more freedom in my own house, instead of being trapped upstairs or down….or putting hubby’s back under strain as he carries me up and down the stairs!
As I lay and thought about 2012, I realised that I have come a long, long way mentally. I have learned an awful lot about myself this year (good and bad). I am more in tune with my body and more aware of my limitations. I’m in a better position to manage my condition – even though I hate that phrase. I appreciate that if I’m actually going to be able to talk to hubby when he gets home I am going to have to sleep in the day – that’s acceptable, that’s what my body needs to function, why fight it? Previously I would struggle, I felt I was being weak by napping, that I should fight back, I didn’t want to be defeated by M.E. I was clinging on to a false hope that I could beat this condition with sheer bloody-mindedness. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still determined, but I think my determination is beginning to align more with being sensible. I’ve not given in, I have accepted (more or less) what I need to do to make the most of the life that I have right now. I’ve (largely) stopped wasting energy being angry at M.E. and started using that saved energy to do something pleasurable – trying to read for example. Does that make any sense?
Naturally I now want to fire on and focus upon all the things I still have to improve, the things that are still causing me frustration, anxiety, exhaustion. But this isn’t the time for that. This is the time to celebrate what I have achieved and to thank those people who have helped me get there – Jonathon and my CP are top of that list.
Then there are events,special events, that I have managed to attend. For me the main one was my Mum’s retiral dinner. I was determined I was going to be there, she’s only going to retire once and I didn’t want to miss out on being there with her on her special day. I won’t lie, it was tough but I did it, we did it. J was there by my side to help me every step of the way.
Me, my sis & my Mum >>>
What will 2013 hold? Who knows! All I know is that I am in a better position mentally to cope with whatever is thrown at me, at us.
Thank you for your support throughout 2012. I can’t quite describe how much it means to me.
Best wishes for 2013……BRING IT ON!!!!!!