Every River

Over the past couple of days I’ve been reflecting upon everyone who has helped me along the way, and all the people that I know will continue to support me as I continue my journey. As you can imagine, there are too many to list here but I just wanted to say thank you (you all know who you are).

There is one person though that deserves a post of his own, and that’s my husband Jonathon.

Since we met in 2006 my life has changed. It changed by meeting him, but it also changed by the impact of M.E. He has stood by me every single step of the way. I can honestly say that without him I would not be in the place I am right now. Physically and mentally he’s my rock. He’s also my best friend and we get on so well together, I am incredibly lucky.

I could go on and on but I don’t want this getting overly soppy. However I want to share this song with you. It was our first dance at our wedding and the lyrics mean just as much now, perhaps even more, as they did then.

first dance collage

Our First Dance

Every River – Runrig, I’ve chosen the Loch Ness live version of this song as we were there. I remember standing in the dark, my legs couldn’t work any longer and I was leaning on Jonathon as this song played.

The following lyrics mean so much to me. In fact they are more relevant today than ever.

Every river I try to cross

Every hill I try to climb

Every ocean I try to swim

Every road I try to find

All the ways of my life

I’d rather be with you

There’s no way

Without you

My life is full of metaphorical rivers I have to cross and hills I have to climb. I am never alone though, Jonathon is always there to help me along the way.

Thank you Jonathon. Tha gaol agam ort. xxxx

Rhoda sig

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Falling For The First Time

This is just a short post, perhaps even a random post. Today I decided to stick some music on (quietly) while lying in bed, I wasn’t enjoying the silence.

Anyway this song came on and I’ve been listening to it on repeat. You see this song was sort of my “anthem” if you like when I first started struggling with depression and anxiety. My hubby said “Rhoda, you have to listen to this, it’s you.” He was right. I can completely relate to this song. It might not mean much to you all but I thought I’d share it. There are two phrases that really stand out to me, I’ve highlighted them in bold. Although to be honest I could highlight the majority of this song!

Here we go…. Falling For The First Time – BNL

I’m so cool, too bad I’m a loser
I’m so smart, too bad I can’t get anything figured out
I’m so brave, too bad I’m a baby
I’m so fly, that’s probably why it
Feels just like I’m falling for the first time

I’m so green, it’s really amazing
I’m so clean, too bad I can’t get all the dirt off of me.
I’m so sane, it’s driving me crazy
It’s so strange, I can’t believe it
Feels just like I’m falling for the first time

Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost
What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?
What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind
It feels just like I’m falling for the first time
It feels just like I’m falling for the first time

I’m so chill, no wonder it’s freezing
I’m so still, I just can’t keep my fingers out of anything
I’m so thrilled to finally be failing
I’m so done, turn me over cause it
Feels just like I’m falling for the first time

Anything plain can be lovely, anything loved can be lost
Maybe I lost my direction, what if our love is the cost?
Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost
What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?
What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind

P.S. I just want to explain why I highlighted what if our love is the cost? After I posted this hubby asked what the phrase meant to me. Back at the start of all this I was scared that this illness was going to cost us our relationship. This has never occurred to hubby. It shows our different outlook – I’m always looking at the negative (or I was, I’m trying to get better!).

That phrase means something different to me now. Now it reminds me of that fear and I almost laugh at myself for doubting us. Our relationship has gone from strength to strength. We have gone through this together, side by side, and we will continue to do so. Our love has most definitely not been the cost…. in fact our love has grown even stronger.

Hope that makes sense!